I have never been more afraid in my entire life
I have never been more afraid in my entire life. My heart pounded in my chest as sweat poured down my face.
My entire body shook.
I stood behind a podium, staring at a sheet of white notebook paper, unable to look up.
A week earlier, my English teacher, Mrs. Killian, had announced a Thanksgiving writing contest.
I worked hard on my essay and felt proud of it, until I learned I had to give it in front of the class.
I had always been afraid of speaking in front of people.
When I went to the podium that Tuesday, I kept my head down and read every word straight from the page.
I got through it without throwing up or passing out.
That felt like a win.
The next morning, Mrs. Killian announced that I had won the class contest.
Then came the part I did not see coming.
I now had to give the same speech to the entire 10th grade in the library after lunch.
At lunch, I could not eat. My knees shook under the table.
My chest was tight. My breathing was fast and shallow.
I thought about leaving. I thought about running out and never coming back.
But when the bell rang, I walked to the library anyway.
I stood in line and watched the other students go before me. Then Mrs. Killian called my name.
I walked to the podium, set down my speech, grabbed both sides, and held on.
She leaned in and quietly said, “It’ll be OK dear, go ahead”.
So I started reading. One line. Then the next.
I do not remember looking at the audience. I do not remember how I sounded.
I only remember the death grip I had on the podium, and my teeth rattling in my head so hard I could barely speak.
When it was over, I left as quickly as I could. And as I walked out, I made myself a promise:
I will never speak in front of people again.
That moment never left me.
I have been a speaker many hundreds of times across the world, and none stick with me like that day in the library in 10th grade.
I look back on my life since that day.
If I never learned to face that fear, my life would be very different.
I would have missed more than I can count.
In the moment, it always feels like you only have one choice.
But you don’t.
It’s fight or fright.
And you make that choice more often than you think.
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